OOC: AS PER USUAL, THIS SHOW SUCKS! YOU'VE BEEN WARNED! NO, I'M SERIOUS. THIS MAY BE THE WORST CARD I'VE EVER WRITTEN. ENJOY!

Bob: WELCOME TO A VERY SPECIAL EDITION OF UCTF! TONIGHT, WE BRING YOU.. THE APRIL FOOLS DAY PAY PER VIEW!! THE SINGLE GREATEST PAY PER VIEW IN UCTF'S HISTORY!

Crowd: YAAAAAYYY!!!!

Ralph: ..that's it? No pyros? Just.. It.. Like.. Airs?
Bob: uhh.. Yeah.
Ralph: Well that's crap >=\ we don't even have a logo?
Bob: NOT THIS YEAR!
Ralph: SCREW THAT. E_E GIVE ME 2 MINUTES. I'M MAKING US A LOGO. *pulls out photoshop*
Bob: uhh.. We have the ninja warrior challenge to go to and uhh..
Ralph: GIVE ME TWO FSKING MINUTES!
Bob: ...

*Two long awkward minutes go by, and Ralph finishes it up.*

Ralph: HERE. LOGO.
Bob: Its.. A picture of Jeice with Leonidas' face super imposed on it.
Ralph: YOU DO BETTER. YOU FUCKING DO BETTER. I'M TRYING TO MAKE THIS PAY PER VIEW BETTER, AND YOU'RE JUST BEING A HATER! >=|
Bob: let's go to the ninja warrior challenge, please -_-.

Sue: We're here at the top of Mount Anime for a special celebrity challenge edition of "NINJA WARRIOR!" As you see behind me, they've build a PERFECT replica of the Japanese Obstacle Course Behind me! Tonight's event will be broken down into four stages. The first two stages will rely on speed, as both participants will have 130 seconds and 70 seconds respectively to reach their goals. Stage three will replace speed for strength, as both men have unlimited time to get to the goal.. Then the final.. If either men have made it to the final stage.. They will have THIRTY seconds to reach the top of the Ninja Warrior Tower! Let's get to the action...

Announcer: IT'S TIME FOR TWO MEN TO FACE AN OBSTACLE COURSE THAT DELIVERS MORE OWNINGS THAN AN INTERNET TROLL ON A RED BULL RUSH! INTRODUCING FIRST... ONE OF THE TWO MEN TO EVER DEFEAT SASUKE... THE 35 YEAR OLD FISHERMAN WHO SPENDS OVER 300 DAYS ON THE OCEAN.... MAKOOOOTOOOOO NAGANOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

Makoto: e_e....................

Announcer: AND NEXT.... themanwhoneededagirltobeatmelviclillith, KUNOIIIIIIII ISHIGAMIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII

Kunoi: e_e!!!!!!! WHAT?!!??!?!? >=| HE HAD A SWORD! HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO REPEAT THAT!?

Kunoi Ishigami vs. Makoto Nagano
Stage One

Announcer: After a coin toss before the event, Kunoi will be facing the stage one obstacle course first!

*Kunoi steps up to the plate, as confident as ever!*

Kunoi: And I'm about going to set a new course record! e_e

Announcer: WE'LL SEE ABOUT THAT IN GO.. YON, SAN, NI, ICHI...

!!BUUUUUUUZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!!

*Kunoi takes on the Quintuple Step challenge– 4 platforms, each angled at 45 degrees toward the center.. And blow, is muddy ass water! Mr. Ishigami springs across these easily, before landing on the platform in preparation for the "Rolling Log"*

Announcer: KUNOI MAKES SHORT WORK OF THE QUINTUPLE STEPS!

*Kunoi jumps on the Rolling Log next! Wrapping his entire body around the giant sized log, Kunoi pushes off, sending his whole body in a spin over the muddy water.. Unfortunately for the Grand Champion, he slips up, and damn near falls off halfway through it!*

Kunoi: O________O!!

Announcer: KUNOI'S GOING TO SLEEP, HE'S GOING TO EMBARRASS HIS ENTIRE FIGHTING LEAGUE RIGHT HERE!

Kunoi: >=|!!!!!!!!! FUCK YOU ANNOUNCER!

*Using every abdomen muscle in his body, Kunoi brings his legs up, wrapping them around the log*

Kunoi: ARRRRRRGGHHHH

*Twisting his body, he manages to finish to the next platform! He's only at sixty seconds now, so he springs towards the trampoline, leaping off onto the Jump hang!*

Announcer: WHAT A LEAP! KUNOI MANAGES TO GRAB THE VERY TOP OF THE CARGO NET!

*He climbs over the top, and allows gravity to pull his body to the bottom of the net.. Unfortunately, his legs get CAUGHT UP*

Kunoi: DLKFAJSDLFKJDSF

Announcer: NOW THIS IS IT! THIS IS IT FOR KUNOI! THERE'S NO WAY TO COME BACK!

Kunoi: e____e!!!

*Kunoi REALLY hates this announcer! He RIPS his leg out, before coming to the warped wall!*

Kunoi: ........

Announcer: NOW KUNOI HAS TO SCALE THIS 15 FOOT CONCAVE WALL BY RUNNING UP THE SIDE AND GRASPING THE TOP! CAN KUNOI, WHO'S ALMOST AS SHORT AS A DWARF, BE ABLE TO DO THIS!!

Kunoi: ............>=|!! I'M AVERAGE HEIGHT!

*FUELED with Anger, Kunoi RUNS UP THE WALL.... AND CAN'T GRAB IT*

Kunoi: O_O!!

Announcer: HAHAHAHAHAHAH!! HE'S ONLY GOT 25 SECONDS LEFT, KUNOI WILL NEVER MAKE IT!

Kunoi: e_e!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*Kunoi SNAPS, literally running ALL THE WAY UP the damn wall TO THE TOP! YEAH, WE'RE BREAKING RULES OF GRAVITY HERE TONIGHT!*

Kunoi; YEAH. TALK SHIT NOW!

Announcer: YOU'VE GOT 15 SECONDS BIG GUY!

Kunoi: OH FUCK

*Kunoi BLINDLY leaps off of the platform, grasping a hold of the Tarzan Rope! With FIVE seconds to go, Kunoi SOMEHOW manages to make it to the top and hit the redbutton at .1 seconds left to go!*

!!BUUUUUUUUZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!!

Announcer: AND BY MIRACLE, KUNOI MAKES IT TO STAGE 2!

Kunoi: ..........x_x

Announcer: NEXT UP IS MAKOTO NAGANOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Crowd: *HUGE POP*

*Nagano steps onto the platform, his eyes and body focused...*

5......4........3..........2........1– BUZZZZZZZZZ!!!!!!!!!!!

Announcer: NAGANO TAKES THE QUINTUPLE STEP WITH EASY! OH MY GOD HE JUST RAN ACROSS THE LOG! LOOK! HE'S JUST CLIMBED UNDER THE CARGO NET!

Kunoi: oh..oh.. Oh no...

Nagano: e_e!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Announcer: NEXT IS THE GREAT WA—HE MAKES IT! ONLY THING LEFT IN HIS WAY IS THE TAR—HE'S MADE IT! IN A NEW COURSE RECORD!! 20 SECONDS!!! MY GOD!!

Nagano: *CELEBRATES* >=|!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Announcer: MR. NINJA WARRIOR HAS MADE IT TO STAGE 2 WITH EASE, BLOWING AWAY ISHIGAMI KUNOI'S TIME!

Kunoi: o_o.. lol fuck..

Winner: TO BE CONTINUED!

Justin Credible vs Justin Kredible

*"Snap your Fingers, Snap Your Neck" starts playing over the loudspeakers, drawing a decent amount of heel heat from the crowd!*

Arzie: The following match is a part of the WORLD'S MOST ONE SIDED FISTFIGHTS WORLD TOURNAMENT! Entering the ring first, from Ozone Park New York, HE'S JUSTIN CREDIBLLLLEEE!!

Bob: The story behind this one is that Justin Credible is a wrestler, but Justin KREDIBLE is a magician whose biggest claim to fame is being on Rachel Ray's talk show!
Ralph: Wait, you mean that bitch from "Thirty Minute Meals?"
Bob: Yes, her.
Ralph: I love her cooking. And by cooking I mean tits H_H

*Credible's got his signature signapore cane with him, and poses on the ropes before the music dies down, and "Magic Carpet Ride" by Steppenwolf is keyed up, and Justin Kredible comes out, yes, WITH the flaming book and cigarette!*

Arzie: And his opponent... from St. Louis Missouri, he's LIKE A MAGICIAN BUT COOLER, JUSTIN KREDIBLE!

*the crowd is booing Kredible pretty heavily, as he looks like a boy band reject, and this is fscking JUSTIN CREDIBLE FORMER ECW CHAMPION HE'S FACING HERE not like he looks like he has much of a shot!*

Ralph: I know how this one goes.
Bob: I think we all do, Ralph.

*Kredible gets into the ring, and claps his book shut, putting out the flame as the ref rings the bell!*

!!!DING, DING, DING!!!

*Immedietly, Credible charges him, swinging the cane! Kredible, however, ducks under and rolls out of the way!*

Kredible: Oh, so you wanna use canes, huh? e_e

*He opens up his book... and pulls a three foot magician's cane out of it!*

Credible: o_o what.

Kredible: HEEYOOOOO!!!!!

*Kredible is posing with the cane doing generic kung-fu motions! Credible is STUNNED by how dumb this kid looks, and swings his cane at him!*

!!!SNAAAPPP!!!

Credible: O_O

*However, the cane just SNAPS into two when he swings it and it collides with Kredible's cane!*

Kredible: Oh, did I mention that mine's made of LEAD? e_e

Credible: lolf-

*Credible is knocked OFF his feet when Kredible swings the pipe/cane, knocking him back and leaving a HUGE knot on his head!*

Ralph: *SPITS OUT DRINK* WHAT THE FUCK HOW
Bob: o_o um.... magic.

*Kredible drops his pipe, and picks up Credible's cane!*

Kredible: Sorry I broke this, though. It's a cool cane! Hold on...

*he puts the two pieces together, starts rubbing them, and suddenly the cane comes out good as new!*

Crowd: o_o ooooooooohhhhhh!

Kredible: But... it needs SOMETHING. I KNOW

*He waves his hand over it, and the CANE CATCHES ON FIRE*

Crowd: AAAAHHHHHHOOOOOHHHH!!!!

*the crowd's "ahhh" turns to "OOOOOH!!!"'s as Kredible starts beating the PISS out of Credible with the flaming cane! Burning shards are breaking off the cane as they're flying off! Credible's beaten out of the corner, and into the middle of the ring!*

Kredible: Now to finish...

*He holds up the shards of the cane, and runs his tounge along it, SUCKING UP the flames into his mouth!*

Ralph: HOW THE HELL IS HE DOING THIS!?
Bob: HE'S A MAGICIAN!

*With his cheeks puffed out, he opens up his book again, and after rooting around in it (yes, his arm disappears up to his ELBOW in there) until he just shrugs his shoulders and DUMPS the book on Credible! What falls out is NAPALM*

Bob: Oh NO-

!!!!!FWOOOOOOOOOOMMMM!!!!!!!!

*Kredible SPITS out the fire he sucked up, sending Credible SCREAMING and rolling out of the ring! He lands on the floor outside COMPLETELY scorched up and not moving!*

Ref: THAT'S IT! RING IT!

!!!DING, DING, DING!!!

Arzie: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, YOUR WINNER OF THE MATCH WITH A TIME OF TWO MINUTES AND SEVEN SECONDS, JUSTIN KREDIBLE!!!

Ralph: WHAT HOW!?!? HOW!? THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE ONE SIDED NOT STUPID!
Bob: it's mag-
Ralph: IF YOU SAY MAGIC AGAIN I WILL SLEEP YOU
Bob: >_<

Kredible: *burps, flames come out* Oops. ^_^

WINNER: Justin Kredible (2:07)

Sue: Kunoi and Nagano are ready for Stage Two guys! Let's get to the action!

Announcer: NAGANO PUT ON A NINJAWARRIOR CLINIC LAST STAGE, AS HE COMPLETED THE CHALLENGE WITHIN 20 SECONDS! KUNOI TOOK 129.9 SECONDS, BUT SOMEHOW HE STILL MADE IT TO ROUND 2!

Kunoi Ishigami vs. Makoto Nagano
Stage Two

*The cameras zoom in on Kunoi, who's on a cell phone*

Kunoi: I DON'T CARE IF YOUR MOM IS SICK, JUST GET YOUR FAT MASKED ASS HE–*closes phone* OH. HEY GUYS ^_^;; I GUESS IT'S MY TURN HUH?

Announcer: KUNOI WAS ON A FRANTIC PHONE CALL TO GOD PRAYING FOR STRENGTH!

Kunoi: e_e...

Announcer: TIME TO TAKE ON STAGE 2 BIG GUY. YOU SHOULD BE PROUD, LESS THAN 200 PEOPLE HAVE EVER MADE IT THIS FAR!

Kunoi: just start the damn thing. e_e

5........4...........3...........2..........1– BUZZZZZZZZZ

*More focused than last time, Kunoi hits the Spider Walk at full speed, using his feet and hands to climb up, across, and back down the walls in a blaze!*

Announcer: WOW, Even I'M impressed, as the self-proclaimed Japanese Hero makes short work of the Spider Walk!

*Finished with the Spider-Walk, Kunoi runs full speed towards the Metal Spin! With ZERO regard for his own safety, leaps right into the dangling chains hanging from the chandelier like object! Unfortunately, using so much speed causes TOO MUCH momentum, as Kunoi spins around a 720*

Kunoi: OH FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK

Announcer: KUNOI WILL BE ELIMINATED HERE! HE'S GOING TO GO HOME WITH HIS TAIL TUCKED BETWEEN HIS LEGS!

Kunoi: e_e!!!!!!!!!!!!

*ANOTHER full spin around, Kunoi lets go, and flies onto the platform!*

Announcer: 7 SECONDS TO GO, AND KUNOI'S SCRAWNY ARMS MUST GO THROUGH THE LIFTING WALLS!

*Kunoi comes to the three, solid steel walls, one 30KG, the second 40KG, and the fith 50KG!*

Kunoi: SCRAWNY?!

Announcer: SCRAWNY LIKE A SIX DAY OLD BABY E_E

Kunoi: AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

*Kunoi THROWS the 30 Kg wall, makes short work of the 40KG, then BITCHSLAPS the 50KG, winning the event with a second left to spare!*

Kunoi: YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! >=|!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Announcer: AND KUNOI PROVES TO HAVE IRISH BLOOD, BECAUSE HE HAS JUST MIRACULOUSLY MADE IT TO THE THIRD STAGE!

*Kunoi gets in the spectator's FACES after winning, while Nagano sets up.*

Nagano: e_e.. Only these three obstacles?

Announcer: We don't have enough time in this event!

Nagano: fine.

5.........4..........3............2.............1– BUZZZZZ!!!

Announcer: AND THERE HE GOES, SCALING THE SPIDER-WALK LIKE A TRUE SUPER HERO! HE'S OUT, NOW CIRCLING AROUND THE METAL SPIN WITH EASE! THIS MAY BE ANOTHER COURSE SETTING RECORD! HE'S PAST THE FIRST WALL, THE SECOND.. MY GOD IT IS A RECORD! NAGANO DOES IT IN TEN SECONDS! THIS IS AMAZING!

Nagano: e_e...................

Kunoi: o_o.. lol fuck

Winner: TO BE CONTINUED

"Weird Al" Yankovic vs The Weasel

Arzie: The following match is a part of the WORLD'S MOST ONE SIDED FISTFIGHTS WORLD TOURNAMENT, and it will be contested under WEASEL STOMPING DAY RULES!

*"Eat It" by Weird Al Yankovic starts playing, and the man himself Weird Al comes out from behind the curtain with a Viking Helmet on, and HUGE Timberland boots on!*

Arzie: Introducing first, from Lynwood California, "WEIRD AL" YANKOVIC!!

Ralph: What the hell is a "weasel stomping day" match??
Bob: Simple, Ralph! Weird Al's top song "Weasel Stomping Day" will be playing throughout this match, and the match can not end until the song does!
Ralph: o_o... what.
Bob: Just call the match.

*Weird Al gets into the ring, starts posing and acting stupid for the fans, to decent pops! No music is keyed up next, though, as an animal trainer comes out from behind the curtain with a weasel in a cage!*

Arzie: And his opponent... from Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania, THE WEASEL!

Ralph: Isn't Punxsutawney where the Groundhog is from?
Bob: Maybe they're brothers?
Ralph: Maybe SOMEONE ISN'T DOING PROPER RESEARCH

*The trainer puts the cage on the apron, opens it, and the bell rings!*

!!!DING, DING, DING!!!

*And the song is keyed up!*

Faces filled with joy and cheer
What a magical time of year!
Howdy Ho! It's Weasel Stomping Day!

*as the song's playing, Weird Al's dancing in the ring, getting the crowd to clap with the beat!*

Put your Viking helmet on
Spread that mayonaisse on the lawn
Don't you know it's Weasel Stomping Day!

!!!!CRUUUUNNNNCHHH!!!

*And with that, Al just JUMPS into the air and FLATTENS the poor weasel right in the middle of the ring 21 seconds into the match!*

All the little girls and boys
Love that wonderful crunching noise
You'll know what this day's about
When you stomp a weasel's guts right out!

*he's dancing about still like he's won, but the bell hasn't rung yet!*

So, come along and have a laugh
Snap their weasely spines in half
Grap your boots and stomp your cares away
Hip hip hooray, it's Weasel Stomping Day!

*Al's starting to slow down with his dancing now, as he looks at the weasel, which is STILL barely moving!*

Weasel: x_X_X_X_X_X_X__X*twitching*

Al: o_o

*the song continues with an instrumental, and the weasel starts SCREECHING and flailing about!*

Crowd: *slowly stops clapping* o_o

Bob: o_o
Ralph: Um... is it still alive?

*Al can't even move to get closer to it as the lyrics come back in the song, but now the weasel's screeching and death rattle are almost overpowering it!*

People love them down the street
Crushing weasels beneath their feet
Why we do it, who can say?
But it's such a festive holiday!

So let the stomping fun begin
Bash their weasely skulls right in
It's tradition, that makes it okay!

*EVERYONE IN THE ARENA has a VERY uncomfortable look on their face, as the song still plays, and the weasel is STILL choking and clinging to life!*

Hey everyone, it's Weasel Stomping
We'll have some fun on Weasel Stomping
Put down your gun, it's Weasel Stomping Day
Hip Hip Hooray, it's Weasel Stomping Day!

*the weasel FINALLY dies with one last ear splitting screech!*

Weasel Stomping Day
Hey!

*the song ends, and you can hear a PIN drop in the arena!*

Ref: *quietly* ring the bell.

Timekeeper: *taps it*

*Weird Al just slides out of the ring, and starts slowly walking to the back, with everyone staring a HOLE through him*

Al: *coughs* Um.... erm....... *quietly* sorry.

Arzie: Um... the winner is weird al with a time of one minute forty seconds.

WINNER: Weird Al (1:40)

Bob: .....
Ralph: ....
Bob: ... let's go to commercial.
Ralph: but it's pay per vi-
Bob: Go to SOMETHING
Ralph: okay >_<

*the screen just GOES to black and stays that way for thirty seconds!*

*We're backstage at the Ninja Warrior Competition, right before Stage three. Kunoi is in talks with.. RIC AUSTIN?!!?*

Ric: This doesn't sound right >_<

Kunoi: oh yeah, says the guy who faked an entire feud with NNNN in order to get him a Grand Title shot? e_e you're doing this, or I KILL you.

Ric: >_<

Kunoi: I have to go. e_e

Kunoi Ishigami vs. Makoto Nagano
Stage Three

*Kunoi steps onto the platform, preparing for his next challenge!*

Announcer: AND OUT COMES THE GRAND LOSER, READY FOR THE NEXT COURSE!

Kunoi: WHAT DID YOU CALL ME?!

!!BUZZZZZZZZZZZ!!

*Kunoi attacks the Rumbling Dice obstacle, suing a square framed monkey bar and walking it across the water pit... This event has no time limit, so Kunoi uses every second he needs to crawl across the rough terrain. Now across it, Kunoi's next challenge is even bigger.. Now he must hold his body parallel to the water pit below, climbing across a five meter opening!*

Kunoi: >_<

Announcer: KUNOI'S BODY IS STRUGGLING! OBVIOUSLY HAVING A GIRLFRIEND HAS CAUSED HIM TO LOSE HIS ONCE ATHLETIC FRAME! SUCH A SHAME!

Kunoi: SHUT THE FUCK UP!

*Kunoi loses focus and SLIPS! Using EVERY muscle in his body, He manages to recover, and make it to the end of the obstacle*

Kunoi: >=|!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Announcer: AWW, HE WAS SO CLOSE TO NOT MAKING IT. TOO BAD! OH WELL, MAYBE HE'LL FALL FROM THE GLOBE GRASP.. WAIT.. E_E I'VE JUST BEEN TOLD KUNOI'S HAND MUSCLES ARE AS STRONG AS THEY'VE EVER BEEN, THANKS TO HIS OBSESSIVE MASTURBATION HABITS!

Kunoi: LKDJASL;DKFJASD;LFKJ

*Crossing yet another pool of water, Kunoi must do so with ONLY grasping Baseball sized globes attached to the ceiling. This is a PURE test in upper body strength! Making it all the way to the end, you can see the pure agony coursing through Kunoi's hands and arms*

Kunoi; SDLFAKJSDFL;KJ ARRGHHH!! WHO THOUGHT UP THAT ONE?! >=| THAT WAS MURDER.

Announcer: AND AS USUAL, KUNOI WHINES!

Kunoi: .......

*Next is the Curtain Cling, Kunoi is forced to make his way across a giant sized curtain to reach the other side.. Again, this relies PURELY of his arm muscles, which.. If Kunoi is a crazed masturbator like the announcer says, is no problem for the Grand Champ!*

Kunoi: *MAKES IT*

Announcer: I REST MY CASE!

Kunoi: e_e *FLIPS HIM OFF*

Announcer: ONLY TWO MORE OBSTACLES SEPARATE KUNOI AND THE FOURTH STAGE! WILL HE CHOKE?! I FOR ONE HOPE SO!!!!

*Now at the "CLIFF HANGER" Kunoi must face what some people call the most difficult obstacle of Stage Three! Kunoi climbs across a narrow ledge, using just his FINGERS to keep him in the air!*

Kunoi: X_______X!!

*Using all of his hand muscles throughout this entire stage, Kunoi's energy begins to wane, which is MUCH to the delight of the announcer!*

Announcer: IS HE GOING TO FALL?! YES, IS HE GOING TO FALL?!!?!?

*Kunoi uses his pride and will to climb all the way to the end! He collapses on the ground, allowing himself a few moments of rest!*

Announcer: HOW MANY MIRACLES WILL WE HAVE TONIGHT?!

*Kunoi stands up, salting his hands one last time.*

Kunoi: e_e... this tournament is mine...

*Kunoi leaps onto the Pipe Slider, using the muscles in his forearms to move the pipe across the track to the other side.. Once there, he has to perform the most difficult task, swinging from the pipe onto the finishing platform!*

Announcer: THIS AREA IS THE WIDOW MAKER.. MANY NINJA WARRIOR HOPEFULS HAVE FAILED AT THIS PARTICULAR POINT RIGHT HERE. CAN KUNOI MAKE IT, OR WILL HE FAIL!?!?!?

*Rocking his body back and forth, Kunoi manages to Swing his entire body off of the Pipe, and plants himself on the finishing platform!*

Kunoi: ........................... o_o... O_O.... YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! >=|!!!!!!!!!!! FUCK YES!! FUCK YESLKFSAD;LKFJ YEAH!!! YEAH!!!

Announcer: KUNOI HAS MADE A DEAL WITH THE DEVIL, AND WILL BE GOING TO STAGE FOUR!

Kunoi: TAKE THAT EVERYONE! TAKE TH—

*Kunoi continues his rant, PURPOSELY drawing attention to himself.. Meanwhile, a suspicious looking masked Janitor cleans up the obstacle course..*

Ric: e_e... *sprays pam cooking oil on the pipes..* =3 *runs off*

*NO ONE sees this bullshit, and here comes Nagano, FOCUSED on becoming a two time Ninja Warrior! And of course it will count in the record books, because if it happens in the UCTF: IT'S CANON!*

Announcer: AND HERE COMES MR. NINJA WARRIOR HIMSELF!

*Nagano wastes ZERO time taking to the course, and runs through it like he does it every day of his life! The Globe Grasp is easily defeated, followed by the cliff hanger! It's all childs play until the Piper Slider! Nagano doses his hand in gobs of salt, before taking off!*

Announcer: Nagano is making short work of this course! All he has to do is make it off of the SLIDA!! CAN HE DO IT?!?!

*Nagano swings forward towards the platform.. And when he does, he SLIPS OFF!*

Nagano: O_O!!!

Everyone: O_O!!

Kunoi: >=D!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*BUT SOMEHOW, NAGANO CUTS A FULL BACKFLIP, AND LANDS ON THE VERY EDGE OF THE PLATFORM WITH HIS HANDS!*

Nagano: ITAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!! >=|!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

*Straining with ALL OF HIS MIGHT, he starts to pull himself up!*

Kunoi: ..n..n..no fucking way o_o..

Nagano: KIIIIIIIIIIYAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!

*HE PULLS UP AND MAKES IT!*

Everyone: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Announcer: NAGANO SOMEHOW MAKES IT AFTER SLIPPING OFF OF THE BAR!! AMAZING!!

Kunoi: o_o.. lol fuck..

Winner: TO BE CONTINUED!

Yao Ming vs Verne Troyer

*Some generic-ass chinese techno is keyed up, and ducking and walking out from the curtain is none other than basketball star Yao Ming!*

Arzie: The following match is a part of the WORLD'S MOST ONE SIDED FISTFIGHTS WORLD TOURNAMENT! Introducing first, from China, at a height of 7 feet six inches... YAO MING!

Ralph: He wins. Calling it.
Bob: I don't know, Ralph. I mean, Justin Cred-
Ralph: I KNOW it won't be one-sided in the wrong way, Bob. e_e this fed isn't THAT stupid.

*Yao steps OVER the top rope to get into the ring, as the theme from Austin Powers starts up, and Mini-Me himself Verne Troyer comes out, holding a 17 inch powerbook under his arm! ... wait what? o_O?*

Arzie: and his opponent, from Sturgis, Michigan, AT A HEIGHT OF TWO FEET, SIX INCHES, VERNE TROYER!

Verne: e_e...

*Verne makes his way down to the ring, struggles to get up the steps, and then walks up to Yao! He only comes up to Yao's KNEECAP*

!!!DING, DING, DING!!!!

Verne: e_e... so big man... you wanna fight?

Yao: *looks WAAAY down at him* e_e

Verne: Uh huh yeah su-

*out of NOWHERE he just BASHES Yao across the knees with the Powerbook!*

Yao: O___O *STARTS CURSING IN CHINESE*

*Verne just is WAILING away at Yao's legs, chopping him down like he's a tree! Yao drops down to his knees, but Verne is STILL only up to his chest! No matter, Verne just THROWS the powerbook into Yao's mouth like a frisbee, SHATTERING his teeth!*

Ralph: .... oh come on.
Bob: VERNE IS ON THE OFFENSIVE HERE!

*Yao looks to be in complete shock as he falls forward onto his chest, holding his mouth! Verne gets a running start, and just KICKS a field goal with Yao's head!*

Yao: X)X_X_X_X_X_X_X

*Yao's now out on his back, holding his head in pain! Verne grabs the powerbook back up, and starts struggling to climb up the ropes! Eventually he makes it to the top, and LEAPS off with an arabian face buster using the powerbook!*

!!!!BLAAAAOOOWWWW!!!!

Crowd: OOOOOOHHHHH!!!!!

*Verne covers, with powerbook shards laying all around him!*

Ref: 1!....2!.....3!!!

Ralph: AHLADSJDALADJADLJ NO FUCKING WAY!
Bob: VERNE TROYER WINS!!!

Arzie: YOUR WINNER WITH A TIME OF ONE MINUTE AND FIVE SECONDS, VERNE TROYER!!

*The ref gets on his knees, and holds up Verne's tiny arm as Verne spits on Yao!*

WINNER: Verne Troyer (1:05)

*we fade in on what looks like a white room, and none other than KEI AND YURI, THE DIRTY PAIR are standing! Kei is dressed in a hoodie and jeans, and Yuri is wearing a woman's business suit!*

Kei: Hello, I'm a mac!

Yuri: And I'm a PC!

Kei: Say PC, you're looking pretty sharp there!

Yuri: That's because I just upgraded to windows vista!

Kei: Niiiice.

Yuri: Yep, 3D interface, voice recognition, all sorts of stuff!

Kei: Can you show me some of that?

Yuri: Um.... not right away.

Kei: Excuse me?

Yuri: Yeah I'm an upgrade version, so I take forever to load.

Kei: Ah. See, with a mac you get all that stuff right away. When you upgrade, it's not like shoving a square peg in a round hole.

Yuri: Yeah, well...

Kei: *under her breath* which is what I can say for you squeezing into that suit

Yuri: EXCUSE ME!?!

*the director offscreen shouts CUT! as Yuri turns to Kei!*

Yuri: THAT WAS UNCALLED FOR, KEI!

Kei: What!? You DO! You look like ten pounds of shit in a five pound bag! Couldn't they have bumped you up to a large?

Yuri: *appalled* Kei you KNOW I've been a medium for the past 10 years of my life! >=|

Kei: *rolls her eyes* Whatever, fatty.

Yuri: OH THAT DOES IT

*Yuri just TACKLES Kei out of the camera view, and we cut to a UCTF camera as they're fighting offstage! Yuri grabs Kei by the hair, and it's revealed that they're shooting the commerical BACKSTAGE AT THE UCTF ARENA. This is revealed when Yuri throws Kei through a door, and they appear in the crowd at the UCTF Arena!*

Bob: WHAT!?!?? AGAIN!?
Ralph: EVERY TWO YEARS, MAN. EVERY TWO YEARS.

*Yuri is DRAGGING Kei by the hair down the steps, stopping to throw her head into the guardrail! She goes to whip Kei towards the guardrail leading to the ring, but Kei reverses and whips her HARD, sending her FLIPPING over the rail and onto the floor! Kei follows, and rolls her into the ring!*

!!!!DING, DING, DING!!!!

Ralph: LFOMLFGMOAMALMOFMFSLMALAMOMOMOM AGAIN I ASK WHO IS DOING THESE LOGOS!?

*FLASHBACK!*

Eli the Intern: WHY do you need a picture of my tattoo?

Xiu: *holding a camera* you'll see. *SNAPS*

*BACK TO THE MATCH, Kei is stomping away at yuri, and picks her up, whipping her towards the ropes! She catches her on the way back, trying to backdrop her! But Yuri reverses herself in midair and lands on her feet behind Kei!*

Kei: O_O!

*Kei spins around, but is grabbed by Yuri, and is given an EXPLODER over Yuri's head and to the mat!*

Yuri: SO YOU THINK I'M FAT HUH!? FINE THEN

*Yuri then just SITS on Kei's THROAT, trying to crush it!*

Yuri: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE FATTY NOW HUH!? HUH!?!?!

*Kei's struggling to get up, and quickly kicks her leg up, kicking Yuri in the back of the head, knocking her off! Kei rolls to her feet, and leans against the ropes to catch her breath! Yuri charges at her, but Kei gives a quick back kick to stop her! She jumps onto the ropes, and launches off with a Lionsault, knocking down Yuri, and she goes for a cover!*

Ref: 1!.....2!....

*But Yuri kicks out!*

Bob: ALMOST by Kei!
Ralph: LFMOAmLFMOAMLMOFMO
Bob: Ralph!
Ralph: SHUT THE FUCK UP I LOVE THAT LOGO

*Kei grabs Yuri by the hair and whips her into the corner! Kei drops back to the opposite corner, and holds her hand up high! She then goes into a cartwheel, into a backflip, into ANOTHER backflip into an elbow to Yuri's face! She holds onto Yuri's head, going for a bulldog, but right as she leaves her feet, yuri just SHOVES her off, causing Kei to land on her ass!*

Yuri: >=|!!!

*Yuri then strips off her jacket (YES SHE HAD IT ON THE WHOLE TIME) as Kei yanks off her hoodie revealing a TINY tank top! The two rush each other, and collide in the middle of the ring! They both start rolling around throwing wild punches and slamming each other's head to the mat!*

Ralph: CAT FIGHT! CAT FIGHT! CAAAAAAAAT FIIIIIIGGGHHHHHHHHT!

*Kei gets the upper hand and pulls Yuri towards the corner! Getting up, she slams Yuri's face into the turnbuckle, then sets her back-first in the corner again! She turns around to go back to the other corner again, but Yuri just RUNS out and clotheslines her from behind to the mat!*

Yuri: >=|!!!!!

*Yuri yanks Kei up, then puts her head between her legs!*

Bob: This may be it!

*She lifts Kei up, and DROPS her with a Thunder Fire Bomb to the mat! Kei folds up like a TACO and Yuri holds her down!*

Ref: 1!.....2!......3!!!

!!!DING, DING, DING!!!!

*"By Yourself" is keyed up, and the crowd is going NUTS!!!*

Arzie: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN YOUR WINNER, YURI!!!

*Yuri bends down over Kei*

Yuri: NOW APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT YOU SAID >=|

Kei: *COUGHS* x_x I'm... sorry I called.... you fat...

Yuri: >=|..... o_o.... OH KEI! ;_;!!! LET'S NEVER FIGHT AGAIN!

*The two then HUG in the middle of the ring to a collective "AWWWWWW" from the crowd!

WINNER: Yuri

*Backstage, Xiu lounges in the President's Chair, sipping on a Wendys Vanilla Frosty Float with Cheerwine..*

Xiu: So your dentist gave you some veneers that look like chickletts? That sucks, Jeice. Yeah. I'm holding down the fort here.

*Right as he says that, three guys, overly dressed in college basketball gear BURST into the Presidential office, each carrying a six pack of "Yuengling" Dark Porter beer!*

Xiu: O_o I'll call you back. *hangs up* Uhh.. Can I help you guys?

Dude1: HAHAHA, LOOK AT THIS LOSER! HE'S GOT BLUE HAIR! HE'S PROBABLY ONE OF THOSE JAPANIMATION ASSCLOWNS! HAHAHAHA

Dude2: YEAH, YOU'RE NOT EXTREME AT ALL!

Xiu: uhh.. Guys, I think you guys are looking for the sports bar on –

Dude3: SHUTUP NERD! Look, he has a stupid fake sword thing that looks like a Key!

Dude2: YOU'RE MISSING YOUR JAPANIMATION CONVENTION UBER FAEG LOLLOL QQ LOL WE'RE THE JOCK SQUAD!

*one of the idiots grabs Xiu's Vanilla Float, and turns it upside down on his blue hair!*

Xiu: o_o... *picks up 2way* yeah.. Arzie. Go ahead and announce a match.. Xiu vs. The Jock Squad. Uh huh...... yeah, and one more thing? Make it a "Worlds One Sided Fist Fights" Tournament Match. Ok. *hangs up* >=|!!!!!!

!!DING DING DING!!

Xiu vs. The Jock Squad

*A referee runs into the room!*

Dude1: OH, THE LITTLE GUY WANTS TO FIGHT!!

Dude2: TO THE EXTREME!!!!!

Dude3: TONIGHT ON ATTACK OF THE SHOW. BLUE HAIRED LOSER GETS OWNED LIKE A NOOB!!!

*Xiu catches a right punch, reversing it into a wrist lock, bringing the first guy FACE FIRST into the President's desk! The second dude catches a spin kick to the face, putting him through the same door he entered!*

Dude1: X_X_X_X

Dude2: X__________X!

Dude3: NEXT ON ATTACK OF THE SHOW! O_O I GET EMBARRASSED!

*The third dude catches the keyblade RIGHT in the face, knocking him THROUGH the roof and into the women's bathroom! Xiu spins back to the right, connecting the keyblade RIGHT across the Jaw! Sending him through the same patched up wall Suicide put Jeice through just a few nights ago!*

!! XKLAFRL;AKDJFA;LKDFBOOOM!!

Ref: o_o.. Ok, I'm gonna say match done. Later Xiu! *leaves*

Xiu: ...e_e.... *sits down, dials* Yeah.. So .. Chicklettes? O_o When do you get the new set??

Winner: Xiu (:45)

*BACKSTAGE at Ninja Warrior, Kunoi is talking to Ric Austin.. Well, more like screaming at him x_x*

Kunoi: HE WASN'T SUPPOSED TO MAKE IT PAST STAGE THROUGH. WHAT HAPPENED

Ric: x_x I don't know.. I used non stick pam..

Kunoi: WELL HE BETTER NOT WIN THIS FINAL STAGE. E_E GET OUT THERE AND USE CRISCO OR SOMETHING. OR VASELINE. HE BETTER NOT MAKE IT UP THAT DAMN ROPE.

Ric: x_x

Kunoi: OR YOU DIE. YOU HEAR ME. YOU DIE.

Ric: X_X_X_X

Kunoi: AND I KNOW NINJAS. I CAN MAKE IT HAPPEN.

Kunoi Ishigami vs. Makoto Nagano
FINAL STAGE

Announcer: WE ARE AT THE FINAL STAGE, KUNOI HAS ASKED THAT NAGANO GO FIRST, AND THE FORMER NINJA WARRIOR HAPPILY OBLIGED! HE WILL TAKE ON THE GIANT STRUCTURE, WHERE HE MUST REACH THE TOP WITHIN 30 SECONDS! CAN HE DO IT AGAIN?!

*Ric, like a PURE ninja, butters up the 15foot rope before vanishing into the night*

Ric: =D!!!!!!!!!!

FIVE! FOUR! THREE! TWO! ONE! *BUZZZZZZZZZ*

*Nagano springs into action, scaling the 20 meter wall climb with ease!*

Ric: e_e!!!! *

*Ten seconds later, Nagano is now on the Rope! He's got 20 seconds left, and making GREAT time! That is, until he hits the "I CAN'T BELIEVE IT'S NOT BUTTER" section of the rope!*

Nagano: NANI?>!?!?

Announcer: OH NO! SOMETHING'S HAPPENED! NAGANO IS SLIPPING!

*Only a meter 5 meters away from the goal, Nagano can only watch as his dreams of becoming a two time Ninja Warrior slips from his fingers...Elsewhere..., at a Gas Station*

Yamamoto: ...e_e... Nagano's in trouble...

*Somewhere in a Fire Station*

Takeda: ..........

*Somewhere at a massage spa*

Yamada: ...........

*Somewhere on a damn trampoline!*

Nakata: e_e!!! NAGANO SAN!!!

*TOGETHER, THE NINJA WARRIOR ALLSTARS LEND THEIR KI TO THEIR SLIPPING FRIEND!*

!!!KATHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!

Nagano: e_e!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*NOW COVERED IN KI, AND GLOWING WITH YELLOW HAIR, SUPER NAGANO BURNS THROUGH THE BUTTER, AND GRIPS THE ROPE!*

Announcer: O_O!

Kunoi: OH GIVE ME A BREAK!

*Nagano damn near FLIES to the top of the stage! At .000000001 seconds, he HITS the buzzer!!

!!!!!!!!!!THHHHHHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMM!!

Announcer: HE DOES IT! HE DOES IT! NAGANO WINS!!!

Nagano: ORE GA NAGANOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! >=|!!!

Crowd: YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!

Kunoi: *slaps forehead* -_-

Announcer: KUNOI MAY STILL BE ABLE TO WIN, IF HE CAN BEAT NAGANO'S TIME OF 29.9 SECONDS!

Kunoi: fuck it e_e I guess I have to win this one fair and square.

*BBBBBBUUUUUUZZZZZZ*

*Kunoi's on FIRE, scaling the 20 meter wall in 7.5 seconds! He hits the 15 meter rope, and is climbing like a madman!*

Announcer: OH MY GOD!! OH MY GOD HE'S GOING TO BEAT NAGANO! I CAN'T BEL—

*Suddenly, the rope SNAPS, sending Kunoi TWENTY-FIVE meters into a BELLYFLOP!!*

Everyone: D:!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*Kunoi floats up with the severed rope in his hand.. It's a CLEAN cut.*

Kunoi: ...o_o...

*He looks up and sees none other than–*

Kenneth Eng: >=D!! *RUNS OFF*

Kunoi: .....................................

Announcer: KUNOI HITS THE WATER! HE'S DISQUALIFIED! HE'S DISQUALIFIED! NAGANO MAKOTO WINS!!! WHAT A LOSER! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Kunoi: ...................

*KUNOI CAN'T EVEN SPEAK! HE'S SO ANGRY HE'S CALM! He slowly climbs of the water, and without looking at anyone, heads back to the UCTF arena! HE'S GOING TO WALK THERE*

Kunoi: E_____________________E......................

Winner: Makoto Nagano

Arzie: The following match is a part of the WORLD'S MOST ONE SIDED FISTFIGHTS WORLD TOURNAMENT! INTRODUCING FIRST........ CANCERRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!

*From behind the curtain.. An asshole in a flesh colored turmor shaped suit, with the words "CANCER" written across his chest makes his way down the aisle!*

Bob: ...................have you noticed how fucking stupid this show's gotten over the years?
Ralph: *shakes head*... yeah o_o yeah I have.

Arzie: introducing next... from FUKUCHIYAMA, KYOTO JAPAN... HE IS THE ORANGE CRUSH, KENTA KOBASHI!!!!!!!!!!

Kenta: e_e!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bob: HERE COMES KENTA KOBASHI!!! THIS IS GOING TO BE A MASSACRE!
Ralph: That's why I love this show! It's all about OWNINGS! AND THIS ONE WILL BE NOTHING SHORT OF IT!

*The 40 year old Kenta leaps into the ring, making a B-LINE towards Cancer*

Kenta: >=|!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

!!POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP!!

*SEVENTY-EIGHT CHOPS LATER, KENTA TOSSES CANCER OUT OF THE CORNER*

Bob: MY GOD DID YOU SEE THAT?!!?
Ralph: FORGET ABOUT THAT, LOOK AT THIS!

*BURNING LARIAT ON CANCER!*

Cancer: X_X_X_X_X

*Kenta picks Cancer back up, hooks the arm..*

Bob: THIS IS IT! THIS IS THE DAMN MOVE SET THAT JEICE BLATANTLY STOLE OVER THE YEARS!

Kenta: ...HAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!

*ORANGE CRUSH IN THE CENTER OF THE RING!*

Ref: 1........ 2.......... 3!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

!!DING DING DING!!

Bob: KENTA DESTROYS CANCER, AND UNDER 40 SECONDS!! HE'S GOING TO BE FACING THE GRAND CHAMPION! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!

Winner: Kenta Kobashi (:39)

Arzie: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.. THE FOLLOWING MATCH, IS THE "WASH MY DRAWZ" MATCH! THE LOSER OF THE MATCH, MUST WASH THE WINNER'S ...DRAWZ...

Bob: um.. Ladies and gentlemen.. For a match such as this.. There's only one man who could commentate on prison life.. And that is... former UCTF Intern commentator.. Scott Williams.

*The camera pans out, to show the buffed out Scott Williams sitting next to both Bob and Ralph. Scott has not said ONE word, OBVIOUSLY still pissed off at Bob and Ralph!*

Scott: ...............................................................
Ralph: Can we start the match, please x_x

Damon vs. Deebo
Wash My Drawz Match

Bob: A little background on these two men.. Deebo is the infamous bully from Compton, who steals bikes, chains, money, and beats women like he owns them! His favorite Quotes are "BEAT HIM DOWN BEAT YOU DOWN" and the ever famous "GOSLEEP. GOSLEEP!"

Ralph: And Damon.. A.K.A. The Health Inspector is famously known for anally raping men who don't wash behind their ears, or don't pay his mom's rent in time. His favorite quote is "WASSUP NIGGETTES" and "YOU AIN'T WASHED BEHIND YOUR EARS OR NOTHIN"... it also says that he's... a very.. Big fan of Tupac because he's ... so gangsta. ...yeah... anything to add, Scott?

Scott: e_e............................

*INSIDE THE RING*

Deebo: Yeah... e_e What you got on my 40, homie?

Damon: >=|

Deebo: I KNOW YOU GOT SOMETHING. YOU A HIGH ROLLER.

Damon: e_e... yeah... I'm going to enjoy you, fish.

Deebo: o_o

!!WHAM!!

*A big right hand takes Deebo off his feet!!*

Ralph: DAMN!!! That guy has to be atleast 300 lbs and he just went off his feet like a luchadore!
Bob: Why does he look so much like Zeus from No Holds Barred?? O_o!
Scott: e_e

*From the Guard position, Deebo fires upwards with a Stiff kick to Damon's midsection, knocking him into the ropes!*

Bob: Nice kick from Deebo, right to the midsection!
Ralph: And now he's back to his feet with a headlock! This is his special!

Deebo: YEAH!! GOSLEEP! GOSLEEP!! BEAT HIM DOWN BEAT YOU DOWN E_E

Bob: HE'S FEELING IT NOW! HE'S FEELING IT NOW!
Ralph: DAMON'S FIRING BACK WITH RIGHTS OF HIS OWN! HE'S COMING BACK!
Scott: e_e............ *pulls out remote*
Bob: Um.. Scott.. What are you doing?
Scott: *opens switch bay, goes near red button*
Ralph: SCOTT DON'T DO IT! YOU JUST GOT OUT! DON'T DO IT!
Scott: *PRESSES BUTTON* E_E!

*DAMON AND DEEBO ARE INSTANTLY RUN OVER BY THE BUS!*

Crowd: O_O!! *HUGE OVATION!*

Bob: OH GOD THE BUS! THE BUS!! THE BUS HAS JUST MADE AN APPEARANCE!!

*Cops INSTANTLY show up and start handcuffing Scott, who's not letting them do it easily!*

Scott: ME AND TSM ARE THE ONLY JAILHOUSE SUPERSTARS OF THE UCTF!! E_E !! US! US DAMNIT! ;LDKFJA;DSLFKJ YOU'LL NEVER TAK EME BACKA;DLFKJADF YOU'LLDSFADSF

Bob: ...

Ralph: o_o wow.. We really fucked that guy's brain up...

*Inside the ring, the sheer BLACKNESS of both fighters bring them back to their feet!*

Bob: THIS MATCH ISN'T OVER! THIS MATCH ISN'T OVER! THEY'RE GETTING UP!

*Both men dig in their pockets, Deebo pulls out a Rusty screwdriver! Damon however, pulls out a SACK OF DOORKNOBS!*

Deebo: e_e!
Damon: e_e!!!!!!!!!!!

Ralph: WAIT JUST A MINUTE
Bob: SACK OF DOORKNOBS
Ralph: WAIT JUST ONE DAMN MINUTE!

*They collide, with Damon NAILING Deebo with the Wrench knocking the big man to the ground!*

Bob: THE HEALTH INSPECTOR CONNECTS!

*He covers!*

Ref: 1........ 2........... 3!!!!!!!!!!! DING DING DING DING DING!!

Bob: DEEBO WILL BE WASHING DRAWS TONIGHT, WHEN HE WAKES UP!
Ralph: WHY DID HE USE YOUR FINISHER, BOB?!
Bob: >_< DAMON WINS!

*Damon drags Deebo up the ramp with one arm, and in the other, a large bag of skid-mark stained underwear!*

Ralph: AND HERE I ALMOST FORGOT YOU WERE GAY! >=|
Bob: I'M NOT GAY! HE JUST MUST BE A FAN
Ralph: A FAN OF ASS LOVING, WHICH YOU ARE TOO E_E

Winner: Damon

Sailor Jupiter vs The DiC Scouts

Arzie: The following match is a part of the WORLD'S MOST ONE SIDED FISTFIGHTS WORLD TOURNAMENT!

*the lights in the arena dim, and a radio beeping can be heard!*

IN 1969 THE FIRST MAN STEPPED ON THE MOON AND HISTORY WAS MADE
NOW GET READY TO MAKE HISTORY AGAIN
BLAST OFF WITH THE MOST POWERFUL SERIES IN 25 YEARS
SAILOR MOOOOONNN!!!

*the crowd is DUMBFOUNDED as what can be described as HIDEOUS knockoff looking Sailor Scouts make their way through the curtain onto the stage!*

Ralph: WHAT!?!

Arzie: INTRODUCING FIRST, VICTORIA, BLUE, SARAH, DANA, and CARRIE, THE DiC SCOUTS!

*the crowd starts booing VEHEMENTLY as the five make their way down the aisle and into the ring!*

Bob: THIS is what Sailor Moon could've been in the US kids.
Ralph: This is ALMOST as bad as the Sabin scouts x_x
Bob: And Sailor Jupiter beat ALL of them last time!

*Their hideous demo tape song fades out, and "We Believe You" starts up next, drawing a HUGE pop from the crowd!*

Arzie: AND INTRODUCING NEXT, FROM JAPAN, SAILOR JUPITER!

*But it's NOT Sailor Jupiter that comes out! Instead a tall brunette in a brown school uniform comes out, and she's MAD.*

Bob: oh no o_o
Ralph: OH YES! SHE DIDN'T EVEN BOTHER TO TRANSFORM FOR THIS ONE! THAT'S MAKOTO KINO, PEOPLE, AND SHE'S GOING TO BEAT THEIR ASSES E_E

*She's MARCHING to the ring with a purpose, and starts sprinting! She suddenly LEAPS into the air off the floor, and flies INTO the ring!*

!!!!BLAAAOOOWWW!!!!

Blue & Sarah: X_X_X_X__X!!

!!!DING, DING, DING!!!

*Two of the knockoffs are knocked OUT of the ring by a flying dropkick and clothesline! Makoto doesn't waste any time and turns to Dana, and lifts her up over her head in a gorilla press! She walks around with her, then THROWS her into Carrie, knocking BOTH out of the ring!*

Ralph: SHE'S CLEANING HOUSE!!! LMFAO WOW NO PUN INTENDED X_X

*She then turns to Victoria who's COWERING in the corner!*

Victoria: ;_;!!! PLEASE DON'T HU-

*BOOT right to the gut shuts her up, and Makoto hoists her up!*

Bob: oh no....
Ralph: OH YES AGAIN BOB

!!!!BLAAAAOOOOWWWW!!!!

Ralph: COPUUUUUUU KILLLLLAAAAAAUUUUU!!!!

*Yes, Makoto KILLS her with the COP KILLA in the middle of the ring, and makes the cover!*

Crowd: ONE! TWO! THREE!!!! *HUGE POP!!!*

!!!!DING, DING, DING!!!!

Arzie: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN YOUR WINNER OF THE MATCH WITH A TIME OF THIRTY SEVEN SECONDS, MAKATO KINO!!!!

Bob: AMAKAJSLJALJ THRITY SEVEN SECONDS!
Ralph: THAT PUTS HER IN FIRST PLACE IN THE TOURNAMENT! SHE COULD WIN A GRAND TITLE SHOT X_X

WINNER: Makato Kino (0:37)

*Backstage, Deebo is handwashing the shit stained clothes, while Damon watches intensely.*

Damon: yeah niggette.. e_e.. Wash my drawz...

Sano: DAMNIT, can you guys take that gay shit elsewhere!? >=| I'M TRYING TO HAVE A DRINKING CONTEST.

*THAT'S RIGHT. THE DAMN DRINKING CONTEST IS STILL GOING BETWEEN SANO AND FUJISAWA*

Fujisawa: e_e it's bad enough it got moved to this moldy basement.. Now we have to watch these losers wash clothes. Luckily I'm as drunk as a fucking SKUNK.

Sano: me too. e_e pass the Sake.

Ralph: Why the hell is Kunoi pulling double duty on this card?
Bob: Kenneth Eng. This racist, arrogant book writer believes himself to be a cyborg dragon personally requested this match. See, he thinks dragons are superior to all human beings and wishes to prove it against UCTF's best!

"Heart of a Dragon" by Dragon Force blasts which signals everyone to cover their ears while a young, skinny Asian man makes his appearance. Taking a page out of "Screamin'" Norman Smiley's book, he also comes out fully prepared! We're talking medieval-style armor and a massive claymore here! It's too bad he can't even life the damn sword! Instead, he struggles to drag it.*

Ralph: *groans* That is one of the gayest theme songs of all time. ~_~
Bob: Oh god...that is as dead a man as I've ever seen. x_x
Ralph: Huh? All he did was screw over Kunoi in a million, he makes that much easily as the Grand Champ!
Bob: I don't think you understand, Ralph. The Japanese who compete on Ninja Warriors aren't doing it for the money, many of them are already well off. e_e They do it to challenge themselves and see how far they can go. Kunoi almost WON but Eng took that away from him!

*Next up is "Water Pow" by B-DASH. Kunoi Ishigami immediately storms out after suffering an unfortunate loss caused by Eng earlier! The Grand Champion is so enraged that people can see a blood red aura of ki around his body, damaging anything in it's way!*

Kunoi vs. Kenneth Eng

Crowd: o_o......

Ralph: Oh...oh...shit...
Bob: I told you! Kenneth might have made the biggest mistake of his life when he took away Ishigami's victory!

*Eng drops his heavy weapon into a nearby corner, then gets a microphone. Always a fan of his own voice and opinions. Ken isn't going to let Kunoi's temper tantrum stop him from letting his feelings about his match be known!*

Kenneth: Do you honestly think that scares your God and Master of the Universe? Silly little man. =| You are nothing except a gnat compared to my greatness.

Ralph: What is this idiot talking about!? KUNOI LOOKS LIKE HE'S ABOUT TO COMMIT MURDER!
Bob: Ralph, this is a person who posted a racist article in a newspaper. I don't think he cares what anyone thinks!

*Ishigami slides under the bottom rope, stepping up to face Eng in the center of the ring. Yet, Kenneth Eng is still running his mouth.*

Kenneth: What can a human possibly do against a CYBORG DRAGON such as myself?

*Kunoi doesn't use a witty comeback, or words to counter Eng's delusions of grandeur. No...>=|...Kunoi simply backhands THE TASTE out of Eng's mouth! Kenneth is sent to the ground from the hit, looking upwards at Kunoi with a mix of shock and anger!*

Kunoi: =|.....

Kenneth: HOW DARE YOU CHEAP SHOT THE GOD OF THE UNI-...

*Ishigami brings his foot down on Eng's body in a brutal stomp! Luckily, his armor absorbs almost all the impact. Ken scrambles to his feet in an attempt to get away from the maddened Grand Champion, tripping over himself in the process as he holds his now-bruised stomach. A pissed, embarrassed, and offended Eng turns toward Kunoi...time for his ultimate attack!*

Bob: Ken looks like he has something planned!

Kenneth: Insulent whelp! Prepare to regret your foolish actions!

*Eng begins to inhale...*

Kenneth: FIRE BREATH!!!!!!!!!!! FIRE BREATH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*BUT NOTHING HAPPENS! All Eng is doing is opening his mouth towards Kunoi, pretending to shoot flames out his mouth!*

Everyone: ......

Bob: .....
Ralph: LMFAOLMFAO! Are you serious!?!?!? Are you serious!?!?!??!

*Kunoi, unremorseless, shoots to get his arms around Eng's legs in a double leg. Standing, he lifts Eng onto his shoulder before running forward and delivering a DEVASTATING SLAM! Ken can't even scream out in pain, because Kunoi starts to introduce his fist against Eng's face. Hammerfists, punches, EVERYTHING BUT THE KITCHEN SINK. There's double axehandle smashes thrown in for good measure!*

Ralph: HOLY SHIT!

*It doesn't take long for Eng to be bruised, battered beyond recognition! Think Kunoi cares? HELL NO! That slimy bitch took away one of the most significant victories of his life! A harsh elbow opens a nasty cut over Ken's eye. Bleeding like a faucet, Eng can do little to stop a bigger Ishigami from destroying his facial structure.*

Bob: I know Eng is a piece of crap, but I guess someone has to say it. STOP THE DAMN MATCH AND CALL 911!
Ralph: Agreed. >_<

*The mat is literrally stained with Ken's blood! Kunoi, full of hatred and bloodlust, does not let up on his attack for one second! It doesn't help the fans are cheering on every strike Kunoi lands, either! It reaches the point where Kunoi solely focuses on ending Eng's existence! You know how in a war, someone can start having delusions? The very same thing happens to Ishigami when he looks over to see an entire row of dead wrestlers!*

"Bad News" Brown: Kick his ass! Kick his punk ass! >=|!!!! MAKE HIM BLEED!

Owen: MAKE THAT FUCK PAY FOR WHAT HE DID, KUNOI! MAKE HIM BLEED! MAKE HIM BLEED!

Giant Baba: He insulted our people! He insulted you! MAKE HIM BLEED!

*And finally, Kunoi sees one of his wrestling heroes with crossed arms....*

JUMBO FREAKING TSURUTA: HOOOOOOOO!!!!!

Kunoi: HOOOOOOOOO!!!! >=|!!!!!

*The Grand Champion, following advice given by several ghosts, slings Eng's limp body between the top and middle rope. Meanwhile, the arena including UCTF's very own commentators are wondering what the hell is going on!*

Everyone: ......o.o

Ralph: No one was there for him to talk with....
Bob: I-I think Kunoi has finally snapped for good...

*Ishigami moves to the apron, glaring. He takes a moment to survey his handiwork before nailing an almost knocked out Eng with a soccer kick! Ken's back ricochets against the top rope, slingshots onto the middle rope, and almost sickeningly slides back into the ring. The poor bastard is at the point where he can't recall why he wanted this match, or why he decided to screw over Kunoi on Ninja Warriors!*

Bob: MY GOD!
Ralph: He is dead, man, he is DEAD.

*In agonizing pain, the Asian supremacist has little choice but to crawl over to his claymore. Except, Kunoi is there to make sure he doesn't pull a Melvic Lillith on him. Ishigami did not like his chest being cut. Ishigami did not like getting stabbed!*

Kunoi: Oh, you want your sword? LET ME GIVE IT TO YOU, BITCH!

*Kunoi lifts up the deadly weapon, then uses flat end of the blade to batter Eng's back!*

Ralph: This is one of the most awesome matches I've ever seen. o_o...

*With one final blow, Ishigami breaks Eng's claymore in half! Ken continues to crawl, urged on by his insane views and will. There wasn't a chance on HIS created world that this Japanese fuck was gonna defeat him. His armor useless and battered. His weapon destroyed. Kenneth Eng tries one last, desperate attempt to stop his entire made up universe from crumbling.*

Kenneth: You cannot beat me, human. I let you do this to me! Yeah! I put you into a false sense of victory! Cyborg dragons often do this to their opponent. x_o

Kunoi: Shut the fuck up! >=|!

*Ishigami stomps towards a shaky Eng to ruin his life. Ken attempts to throw a weak slap in defense , but Kunoi ducks under his arm to throw a harsh body shot. Eng drops his arms to clutch his ribs, allowing Ishigami to deliver a LIFE THREATENING HOOK TO THE JAW THAT WOULD MAKE "IRON" MIKE TYSON IN HIS PRIME PROUD! Needless to say..=|..Eng goes down like a tree, eyes shut and knocked the FUCK out.*

Everyone: DAMN!!!!

*An official runs past a motionless Kunoi and leaps towards Eng's form to check on him. Shaking his head, he calls for EMTs and the damn 911 medical staff (someone actually called for them this time!) to help Eng. As for Kunoi? Well...*

Kunoi: *snaps to normal and rubs his eyes* o_o Did I just actually see dead wrestlers?

Winner: Kunoi Ishigami

!!I'M THE TALK OF THE TOWN!!

*"America's Most Hated" kicks up, and out walks KEVIN MOTHERFUCKING FEDERLINE to a MASSIVE ovation from the crowd! YES. I'M SERIOUS. THEY'RE CHEERING his punk ass! Why? Cause plain and simple, he's the Lesser of Two evils tonight!*

Arzie: THE FOLLOWING MATCH IS SCHEDULED FOR ONE FALL! INTRODUCING FIRST.. FROM FLOSS ANGELES CALIFORNIA, KKKK-FFFFEEEDDDDD!!!!

K-fed: e_e!

*Wearing his "Team Federline" boxing robe from his Raw Appearance, Kevin makes his way to the ring!*

Bob: This time a year ago, Britney would be the one being cheered, and Kevin Federline would be the one getting the Hitler response from the crowd! What a difference a year makes!
Ralph: Britney's not THAT bad off, is she?
Bob: SHE LEFT REHAB THREE TIMES! SHE SHAVED HER HEAD! SHE BEAT UP AN SUV WITH AN UMBRELLA!
Ralph: aww, that's all Hearsay!!

!!!!!!!!!KAAAAATTTHHOOOOOMMMM!!!!!!!

*KANE'S PYRO EXPLODES, BEFORE A DEATH METAL VERSION OF "BABY ONE MORE TIME" KICKS UP! Out walks Britney, carrying an umbrella with Kane's "SEE NO EVIL" hook attached STORMS her way down to the ring!*

Ralph: OH FUCK!!!! O_O

Britney: >=|!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Kevin: O_O

Britney Spears vs. Kevin Federline

*Britney, focusing all of her anguish, pain, remorse, and other adjectives I'm too dumb to know into her umbrella, she VICIOUSLY swings at K-Fed!*

Bob: BRITNEY GOING RIGHT AT KEVIN!!
Ralph: WHY WOULD SHE?! WHY WOULD SHE! SHE DUMPED HIM!
Bob: BUT ALL OF HER WOES STARTED AFTERWARD! HANGING OUT WITH PARIS HILTON, GETTING THE PICTURE OF HER VAGINA TAKEN!
Ralph: FUCK THAT, ALL THAT WAS HER FAULT! SHE'S JUST BEING A DUMB WHORE!

*Kevin ducks a wild swing before escaping to the outside!*

Kevin: COME ON BABY! LET'S SQUASH THIS! I'M ONLY ASKING FOR 30,000 A MONTH!
Britney: e_e!!!!!!!!!
Kevin: YOU SHIT THAT MUCH IN YOUR SLEEP!

*Britney flies over the top rope, connecting a plancha!*

Crowd: OOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

Bob: SUICIDE PLANCHA BY BRITNEY!! GET OUT OF THERE KEVIN!!!

Britney: >=|!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Kevin: LOL FUCKKKKKKK

*KEVIN AVOIDS THE UMBRELLA AGAIN!*

Bob: KEVIN GETS AWAY!
Ralph: SHE'S STUCK ON THE GUARD RAIL KEVIN! RUN NOW ! RUN!

*Britney YANKS the hook, ripping the protection wall apart!*

Everyone: O_O!!

Bob: ...oh my GOD!!
Ralph: THAT THING'S LIKE A GINSU!

*Back in the ring, Kevin is now on his knees! Britney is in after him, slowly stalking her prey..*

Kevin: BRITNEY.. BRITNEY WAIT.. ;_; WAIT. HERE ME OUT.
Britney: e_e..
Kevin: I..I... I love you ;_; I've always loved you! Please, let's just get back together!
Britney: ...................;_;!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*IT WORKS! She drops the umbrella, and walks towards Kevin, ready for the big reunion Hug... Kevin stands up...*

Kevin: ^_^!! ... e_e!!!

*BEFORE KICKING HER IN THE CUNT!*

Crowd: OOOOOOOOOOOOHHHH!!

Ralph: YES! CUNT PUNT! CUNT PUNT! CUNT PUNT!!
Bob: WHAT THE HELL?!

*Britney goes into the Fireman's carry, and gets the F-U!*

Bob: FU!! FU!! FU!!!

Ref: 1.......... 2........... 3!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

!!DING DING DING DING DING DINGDINGDGIDNGINDGIDNGGIDNG!!

!!I'M THE TALK OF THE TOWN!!

*His rap song kicks up, as the referee raises his arm in victory!*

K-Fed: e_e THOSE KIDS ARE MINE, BITCH! *YOU CAN'T SEE ME TAUNT*

Bob: What a CHEAP way of winning!
Ralph: HAHAHAHAHAHA!! YEAH!! FUCK HOES!! FUCK FAMOUS HOES!

Winner: K-fed

Arzie: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.. I WOULD LIKE TO INTRODUCE THE SPECIAL GUEST TIME KEEPER FOR THIS MATCH.. RICHARD SIMMONS!

Crowd: YAAAAYYY!!!

Richard: ^_^_^_^

Arzie: AS WELL AS THE SPECIAL GUEST REFEREE... FUN ATHLETIC GUY!!!!

*The camera pans over to Fun Athletic Guy, who's wearing a cut off referees shirt that says "I HATE PERVERTED JUSTICE"*

F.A.G.: *^^*

Arzie: And introducing the special guest commentators..............

!!IT'S RAINING MEN!!!

Arzie: BLAINEEEE AND ANTOINEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!

*Blaine and Antoine set up at the Commentator's table*

Arzie: AND INTRODUCING, THE PARTICIPANTS.. INTRODUCING FIRST... GEORRRGGGEEEE TAAAKEEIIIIIII!!!

George: e_e..

*George Takei.. That stoically badass gay guy from Star Trek fame, makes his way down the aisle, wearing a three piece suit!*

Blaine: WE'RE BAAAAAAACCCKKKK!! ^___^
Antoine: I can't wait for this match! That cute little yellow boy vs. that big... black... strong basketball player from Miami!

*Speaking of that guy, HERE COMES TIM HARDAWAY.. SCARED SHITLESS! AND WHY SHOULDN'T HE?! TAKEI PROMISED GAY SEX WOULD HAPPEN TO HIM WHEN HE LEAST EXPECTS IT!*

Tim: ;_;......................

Tim Hardaway vs. George Takei

*Tim climbs into the ring, and, seeing no other choice, with EVERYONE around him being gay, goes into a HOMOPHOBIC RAGE!*

Tim: AUGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!

*HE ATTACKS THE F.A.G. FIRST, THEN LEAPS OVER THE TOP ROPE AND ATTACKS RICHARD SIMMONS!*

Tim: >=|!!!!!!

Blaine: WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH HIM?!
Antoine: I don't know.. But all that.. Rage is turning me on!
Blaine: ...me too.. Almost like when that suicide boy was going around giving flowers!

Tim: LET IT BE KNOWN THAT I DON'T LIKE GAYS E_E! THEY SMELL LIKE BALOGNA!!!

!!POP!!

*Tekai out of NO WHERE with a running dragon kick to the face turns Tim 180 degrees, and bent over the protection rail!*

Tim: X_X!!

Blaine: WHAT A KICK!
Antoinette: What a butt! HEEEEYYYY!!

*George comes around and SLAPS THAT ASS, INSTANTLY waking Tim back up!*

Crowd: *POP!!*

Tim: O_O!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*Tim flails about wildly, like Kamala the Ugandan Giant trying to flee from the Undertaker! George gives chase back into the ring, where Tim uses the Oldest trick in the book.. STOMPING him in the face*

Tim: >=|!!!

Blaine: Look at those LEG muscles!
Antoine: Years of dunking basketballs will do that do you!
Blaine: I'd let him wrap them around my waist ANY TIME
Antoine: I hear you girl!

*He pulls George back up to his knees by the hair, which gets a HUGE pop from the crowd! He realizes how this looks, and instantly lets to, running to the other side of the ring!*

Tim: AS;LDKFJAS;LDFKJADSF

Fans: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

*Angered, he sprints towards George, who stops him midrun with the TESTICULAR CLAW*

George: H_H!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Crowd: *POPS!*

Blaine: OOH THE PROMISED LAND! THE PROMISED LAND!
Antoine: OH MY SWEET JESUS!!

*Tim battles back. Picking up George onto his shoulders for a powerbomb! This gets ANOTHER pop from the crowd*

Tim: what the.. UGLSADKGJASD;LFKJ OH GOD NO OH GOD NO!!

*Realizing the position he's in, loses balance, falling into the corner with Tim instantly hitting the Bronco Buster!*

George: H_H_H_H_H

Antoine: YES!!!

*George Stands up.. Turns around.. And PULLS HIS PANTS DOWN*

Tim: NO.. NO.. NO!!

*STINK FACE*

Tim: DFOSDIUFSDIUFHAKJDFH!! THAT'S IT! THAT'S IT! THAT'S IT! E_E!!!

*After the Stink Face, Tim has decided he's had enough! He slides out of the ring and retreats to the back! The fans may boo him, but he's RICH. He doesn't give a shit! ... that is.. Until..*

Damon: e_e.....................

*DAMON FROM THE "WASH MY DRAWZ" match shows up, and BACKS his ass to the ring!*

Tim: O_O_O_O_O_O!!!

Blaine: IT'S THE BEAR!

*Tim has no choice but to climb into the ring, where he is QUICKLY rolled up and pinned in the GAYEST of pins by Tekai!*

1.................. 2.................... 3!!!

!!DING DING DING!!

*George KEEPS him in that position for ATLEAST two more minutes, before finally relinquishing the hold!*

Winner: George Takei

Antoine: YAAAY!!! GEORGE TAKEI WINS!!
Blaine: and that match was SO good, we're going to stay for the rest of the ni–

!!BLAM!!

Ralph: THE HELL YOU ARE E_E *puts down club*
Bob: e_e
Ralph: what, did I hit your boyfriend too hard, Bobby?
Bob: shut the hell up and let's toss them off the tower e_e
Ralph: You're Gay! ^_^!

Arzie: Ladies and Gentlemen.. The following match is scheduled for one fall....

*Rammstein's "Links 2, 3, 4" kicks up, bringing out the NEW AND IMPROVED Seth Conway! Around his waist is the MILITARY championship title! You can almost FEEL the energy beaming off of him!*

Suicide: e_e!!

Bob: Well.. As the song goes.. NO MORE MISTER NICE GUY.
Ralph: Yeah well, it's been scientifically proven that the guy he's facing tonight CAN'T LOSE. HELL, he's going to wrestle TWO MATCHES tonight!
Bob: o_o really? What's the other match?
Ralph: SHAWN MI.. WRESTLEM–
Bob: never heard of it e_e

*Next up "MY TIME IS NOW" kicks up, bringing out the former Rapper turned Marine, JOHN CENA!*

John: =D!!!

*Doing his usual retarded crowd appealing moves on his way down to the ring, Cena NEVER sees Suicide gaining momentum inside the ring!*

Suicide: e_e!!

*Conway preforms an AMAZING somersault plancha over the top rope, NAILING the WWE World Champion!*

Crowd: OOOOOOOOOOOHHHHH!!!

Suicide: I DON'T HAVE IT ANYMORE JEICE?!!? IS THAT WHAT YOU SAID!!

Ralph: has the match started??
Bob: NOPE!
Ralph: ok.. Just checking!

*Cena takes a Belt shot to the face, staggering the Massachusetts native into the barrier! Seth kicks him in the gut, lifting him onto his shoulders!*

Bob: OH NO!! OOOH NO!!!
Ralph: I THINK WE'RE GOING TO SEE THE..

*COURT MARTIAL ON THE CONCRETE!!*

Suicide: ............. ARRRRRRGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

Ralph: ...oh my god.. o_o

*Seth THEN throws Cena into the ring, and the match OFFICIALLY starts!*

!!DING DING DING!!

Ralph: LMFAO!! NOW THE MATCH STARTS!
Bob: o_o... I.. I'm not saying anything else for the rest of this match..

Suicide vs. John Cena

*The match has officially started! Now back in the ring, Suicide is FLOORED by a running shoulder block by Cena!*

Bob: *SPITS OUT DRINK* O_O!
Ralph: CENA'S BACK UP!

*Suicide is back up, and runs into a SECOND shoulder block! Then a third! Cena delivers the spinning backdrop to a huge ovation!*

Ralph: THE FIVE MOVES OF DOOM!!

*Standing over Suicide, Cena gives him the "YOU CAN'T SEE ME" Taunt, before hitting the ropes!*

Ralph: I can't we're about to see this on UCTF television but.. FIVE KNUCKLE SHU—

*Suicide DODGES, causing Cena to drive his fist RIGHT into the canvas*

Cena: OWWW FUCK!!

*And the former FOUR TIME Anime Champion is back up AND PISSED!*

Suicide: e_e!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*With Cena still doubled over, Suicide hits the AXE KICK. Without a SECOND of hesitation, Suicide is off the ropes again, hitting a SECOND! He doesn't let up, picking Cena upside down!*

Suicide: YOU WANNA SEE!?!? YOU WANNA SEE!?!? YOU WANNA SEE!?!? YOU WANNA SEE!?!? YOU WANNA SEE!?!? YOU WANNA SEE!?!? YOU WANNA SEE!?!? YOU WANNA SEE!?!? YOU WANNA SEE!?!? YOU WANNA SEE!?!? YOU WANNA SEE!?!? YOU WANNA SEE!?!? YOU WANNA SEE!?!? YOU WANNA SEE!?!? YOU WANNA SEE!?!? YOU WANNA SEE!?!? YOU WANNA SEE!?!? YOU WANNA SEE!?!? YOU WANNA SEE!?!?

!!THHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMM!!!

*PILEDRIVER IN THE CENTER OF THE RING!*

Ralph: HOLY SHIT, HOW MANY TIMES DID SUICIDE SPIN BEFORE HITTING THAT?!!? He's using his ENTIRE move set!

*Seth keeps the offense on, IMMEDIATELY going up to the top rope after the Piledriver!*

Seth: THIS IS OVER! >=|

Ralph: I THINK HE'S GOING FOR THE–

*Suicide comes off the top rope, hitting the SMARTBOMB!! That's it!*

Ref: 1....... 2..........

*But he LIFTS Cena's shoulders off the mat*

Suicide: e_e!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ralph: OHHHH NO!! OH NO!!

Suicide: >=| GET CLOSE TO YOUR TV JEICE. GET A REAL CLOSE SEAT!!

*Seth goes BACK up, before coming off with a SECOND Smartbomb! He covers!*

Ref: 1... 2... 3!!!!!!!

!!!DING DING DING!!

Ralph: AND IT'S OVER!
Bob: Suicide with an IMPRESSIVE victory over the WWE champion!! Good GOD!

Winner: Suicide

*The referee checks up on Cena, while he SHOULD be keeping an eye on Conway, who's BACK on the top rope! He comes off, hitting a SMARTBOMB on both Cena AND the ref!*

Bob: OH MY GOD!!

Crowd: *POPS!* X_X!!!

Ref and Cena: X_X!!!

Bob: Suicide with a TH–oh no.. SETH! YOU'VE PROVED YOUR POINT! YOU'VE PROVED YOUR POINT!!

*He's BACK on the top rope for a split second before coming off and hitting a FOURTH. A FOURTH Smartbomb!*

Bob: AND ANOTHER DAMN SMARTBOMB ON CENA! SOMEBODY GET–NO! NO! SOMEBODY GET OUT THERE RIGHT NOW! WE'RE GOING TO BE SUED!

*Suicide is off the top rope with a FIFTH SMART BOMB!*

Suicide: ASALDFKJASDLFKJFFARRRRGHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! E_E!!

*BACK TO THE TOP, HE HITS A SIXTH!! THEN A SEVENTH!! THEN AN EIGHTH!!*

Cena: *INTERNAL BLEEDING*

Bob: FINALLY!! FINALLY SOMEONE'S COMING DOWN! AND BRING A FUCKING 911 WITH YOU! THIS IS RIDICULOUS!!

*Referees, EMTs, HELL, THE REST OF THE MILITIA has arrived on the scene, separating the downed Cena from Suicide.. FINALLY. FINALLY. leaves the ring, and starts up the ramp, with several officials escorting him!*

Bob: my.. My GOD
Ralph: What has Jeice created o_o
Bob: a LUNAT—OH WHAT THE HELL

*Suicide suddenly breaks through the officials and runs up the ropes!*

Bob: NO!! DO–

*He comes off, hitting a NINTH SMARTBOMB, TAKING THE OFFICIALS WITH HIM! FINALLY, he has to be CARRIED away!*

Suicide: LKDSFJASL;DFKJ I'M NOT DONE! I'M NOT DONE!! E_E!! I'M NOT DONE!!!!

Ralph: oh man... o_o that Cena guy's gonna need a Senzu bean...
Bob: Indeed Especially if he's going to make it to that OTHER event tonight. x_x.. Man.. That coulda been in the one sided fist fights tournament...

Arzie: The following match is scheduled for one fall....

*A musical melody of all songs by Eminem starts playing over the sound system bringing out two of the WHITEST looking guys you could ever meet! COMPLETE posers. When I mean posing, I mean.. ONE guy has cornrows! CORN ROWS.*

Arzie: Introducing first... from Woodcrest, Illinois, being led to the ring by RILEY ESCOBAR... THEY ARE.. ED WUNCLER III AND GIN RUMMY!!!!!!

Ralph: LOL WHO IS THAT LITTLE BOY?!

*Suddenly, William Clarke's bitchscream echos through Ralph's headset!*

Ralph: X_X_X_X_X
William: THAT'S RILEY ESCOBAR. E_E DON'T PISS HIM OFF.
Ralph: o_o.. Thanks.. Will.

*Ok.. I was wrong.. Tommy and Dick Smothers, the two fake folk song singing comedy Brothers come down to the ring, thus instantly taking the crown of the "WHITEST" white people to ever grace the appearance of the UCTF! YES I'M INCLUDING SUICIDE.*

Arzie: AND FROM REDONDO BEACH, CALIFORNIA.. TOM AND DICK SMOTHERS.. THE SMOTHERS BROTHERS!!!!

Crowd: YAAAAYYY!!!!!

Ed Wuncler III and Gin Rummy vs. The Smothers Brothers

!!DING DING DING!!

Ed: KEEEEYAAAAA BITCH!!!

*Tom is INSTANTLY taken out with a running Mafia kick from Wuncler!*

Crowd: OOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHH!!!!

*Ed and Gin do what they do best, and that's STOMP PEOPLE OUT! Tom is getting a mudhole stomped into him, and they're walking it dry!*

Gin: WORK HIM OUT! WORK HIM OUT!

Bob: Tom is being laid to waste here! Where is Dick!?!?
Ralph: HE'S SMART. HE'S LEFT EARLY!

*Oh yeah? E_e That old bastard just left the ring for a few seconds in order to get his STRINGED BASS! He spins Gin around–*

!!SHATTER!!

*ACOUSTIC EQUALIZER OVER THE SKULL! EL KABONG!!*

Bob: Stringed Bass to the head!
Ralph: o_o holy crap! What is this guy, like 70?! He swung that damn thing like he was twenty five years old!

*Ed turns his attention to Dick, and starts attacking! Bad idea, as now Tommy has a hold of the ACOUSTIC GUITAR!*

Tom: e_e!!!

*Ed is spun around–*

!!SHATTER!!

*GUITAR SHOT BY THE 70 YEAR OLD MAN!*

Ed: ....... E_E!!!
Tom: O_O!!

*BUT IT DOESN'T WORK!*

Ed: KIIIYAAA BITCH!!!

*BLAM!*

Bob: ANOTHER YAKUZA KICK!

*Gin stands up*

Gin:... now I KNOW they didn't just hit me with a DAMN GUITAR! >=|!!

*HE PULLS OUT AN AK-47 OUT OF HAMMER SPACE*

Gin: IT'S ON NOW!

Bob: GUN!!! GUN!!!
Ralph: YES! YES!!

*BATABATA BATABATA BATABATA BATABATA BATABATA BATABATA BATABATA BATABATA BATABATA BATABATA BATABATA BATABATA BATABATA BATABATA BATABATA BATABATA BATABATA BATABATA BATABATA BATABATA BATABATA BATABATA BATABATA BATABATA BATABATA BATABATA BATABATA BATABATA BATABATA BATABATA BATABATA BATABATA BATABATA BATABATA BATABATA BATABATA BATABATA*

Bob: OH GOD! OH GOD! I HOPE THOSE ARE RUBBER BULLETS!
Ralph: LMFAO!! YES. I ALWAYS HATED THOSE ASSHOLE SMOTHERS GUYS! E_E
Bob: SOMEBODY CALL 911! WE HAVE A SHOOTING!! MY GOD!! ;_;

Winner: Ed Wuncler III and Gin Rummy

Bob: MY GOD! THE RICH WHITE GUYS WIN EMPHATICALLY!

*Standing in the ring after the shocking victory, Ed Wuncler can only say one thing...*

Ed: ...........the FUCK ya'll lookin' at? >=|

Crowd: *STANDING OVATION!*

Bob: WHAT!? HOW CAN THEY CHEER THAT?! THEY JUST KILLED THE SMOTHERSLFKASD;LFJ
Ralph: why wouldn't they cheer? THEY GOT RID OF THOSE FOLK SINGING FAGHOUNDS!! NEXT MATCH!
Bob: BUT THEY'RE D–
Ralph: NEXT MATCH.

Arzie: Ladies and Gentlemen.. The following MAIN EVENT is the ANNA NICOLE SMITH BABY DADDY BATTLE ROYALE! The winner of the match will claim the possession of Anna Nicole Smith's newborn baby, and all of spoils that come along with it!

Ralph: How much is at stake here?
Bob: MILLIONS! That old dead guy from Texas was LOADED!

*The participants are led down to the ring one by one.. Mark Hatten, Alexander Denk, Larry Birkhead, Howard K Stern, Zsa Zsa's husband, Frédéric Prinz von Anhalt, and finally...*

Bob: ..what the hell is this?

*A woman leads an URN down to the ring!*

Arzie: The final participant... in the urn.... HOWARD MARSHALL!

Bob: THEY'RE BRINGING DOWN HOWARD MARSHALL!?!?!?!?!?
Ralph: *FALLS OUT OF HIS SEAT*
Bob: DOES THIS FUCKING FEDERATION HAVE NO SHAME?!!? THEY'RE BRINGINSFAL;SDFA;DF HE'S BEEN DEAD FOR OVER A DECADE!!!!!
Ralph: AND HE'S BACK FOR THIS MATCH!!! HAHAHAHAHAHA
Bob: MY FUCKING GOD! >=|

Anna Nicole Smith's "BABY DADDY" Battle Royale!
Howard K Stern
Larry Birkhead
Howard Marshall
Frédéric Prinz von Anhalt
Alexander Denk
Mark "Hollywood" Hatten

!!DING DING DING!!

*The match starts, and all six participants go at it! ...well, I actually mean five participants. Howard Marshall is sitting quietly in the corner.. Cause you know.. He's ... dead.*

Ralph: AND HERE WE GO! THE MAIN EVENT OF APRIL FOOLS DAY 2007!!!
Bob: JESUS -_-

Howard K Stern: I'LL SUE YOU ALL! SHE'S MINE! THAT BABY'S MINE! WE HAD A COMMITMENT CEREMONY!

*Larry Birkhead clotheslines him from behind*

Larry: NO, SHE'S MINE! >=|

Howard Marshall: .....................................

*As the two men argue, Mark "Hollywood" Hatten attacks from behind, making the mistake of drawing the heat on himself!*

Stern and Birkhead: e_e!!!

*One double clothesline later, Hollywood is ELIMINATED!*

Ralph: HOLLYWOOD'S GONE!
Bob: =\

*Their celebration is cut short, as Alexander Denk, the former bodyguard for Anna Nicole attacks them both! His size and strength advantage overpowers the lawyer and ...whatever the hell Birkhead does for a living!*

Ralph: DENK IN CONTROL! DENK IN CONTROL–WAIT! ZSA ZSA'S HUSBAND ON THE TOP ROPE!!

*All three men turn around as Anhalt hits a CROSS BODY off the top rope!*

Ralph: CROSSBODY! CROSSBODY! CROSSBODY!!
Bob: X_X
Ralph: BUT EVERYONE SEEMS TO BE IGNORING HOWARD MARSHALL!
Bob: BECAUSE HE'S DEAD DAMNIT! HE'S FUCKING DEAD! >=|

*Von Anhalt TOSSES Alexander Denk out of the ring!*

Crowd: *POP!!*

Ralph: AND WE'RE DOWN TO FOUR!
Bob: THREE. YOU'RE DOWN TO THREE!

*Birkhead and Stern, joining forces attack Zsa Zsa's husband at once, seeing this man as a threat to their money! Von Anhalt attempts to fight back, but the two younger, more desperate men have more to lose! Let's face it.. Zsa Zsa is rich as fuck herself!*

Ralph: Stern and Birkhead laying on the punishment!
Bob: ..
Ralph: Look at Von Anhalt! He's barely standing up! He has to use the ropes!!

*Stern turns to the fans, celebrating, as victory is near!*

Howard: That bitch's money is MINE!

Crowd: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

*Birkhead swings at Von Anhalt, who DUCKS, before hitting SWEET CHIN MUSIC on him, sending him flying over the top rope! Stern turns around wide eyed, before blindly rushing Von Analt who ducks down, hitting a back body drop to the OUTSIDE of the ring!*

Crowd: *HUGE POP!!!*

Ralph: BADASS!! DOUBLE ELIMINATION!! THAT JUST LEAVES VON ANHALT AND HOWARD MARSHALL!!!
Bob: JUST GIVE HIM THE DAMN WIN!! DAMNIT!! >=|
Ralph: NO! NO! LOL HE'S GOT TO THROW THE URN OVER THE TOP ROPE FIRST! LOL!!!

*Frédéric Prinz von Anhalt Picks up the URN*

Ralph: HE'S GOT HIM UP!
Bob: RALPH. DAMNIT!!

*BUT HE STARTS TO SLIP UP!*

Ralph: OH NO! OH NO!!
Bob: RALPH. E_E

*BOTH VON ANHALT AND THE URN GO FLYING OVER THE TOP ROPE*

!!DING DING DING DING DINGDINGDIGNDIGNDGIN!!

Bob: WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?!!?
Ralph: THEY BOTH LANDED AT THE SAME TIME! LOL THEY BOTH LANDED AT THE SAME TIME LAOLLOLLOLLOL
Bob: *PUNCHES RALPH* >=|
Ralph: *FLIPS *

*The referee talks to Arzie for a few seconds...*

Arzie: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN... THE REFEREE HAS CALLED THIS MATCH A TIE BETWEEN HOWARD MARSHALL AND VON ANHALT.. THEREFORE.. BOTH MEN ARE NOW ANNA NICOLE SMITH'S BABY DADDY!!

Crowd: *POPS!!*

Winner: TIE! Howard Marshall and Frédéric Prinz von Anhalt

Bob: DAMNIT THIS IS WHY THIS PLACE IS GOING TO HELL IN A HANDBASKET! A DEAD GUY AND ZSA ZSA GABOR'S HUSBAND ARE BOTH THE BABY'S DADDY?!
Ralph: yeah well..

*Ralph stands up.*

Ralph: MAYBE THAT WASN'T THE MAIN EVENT E_E
Bob: ..what? O_o There isn't any other matches on my paper
Ralph: MAYBE THERE'S ONE MORE MATCH IN THE WORLD'S MOST ONESIDED FIST FIGHTS TOURNAMENT?!!?
Bob: WHO?!
Ralph: REF, RING THE BELL, BECAUSE WHILE WE WERE AWAY, I GOT A NEW MATCH SIGNED.. RALPH GERRARD, VERSUS THIS SIX FOOT PARTY SUB!
Bob: OH WHAT THE HELL?!!?!?

!!DING DING DING!!

Ralph Gerrard vs. Six Foot Party Sub

*Ralph IMMEDIATELY jumps on the six foot quiznos sub, stuffing EVERY morsel in his mouth!*

Bob: WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!!?
Ralph; SALDFKJASDL;FSDMFSDOFODSHFASLGMPHPHH!!!

*He's like a well oiled sub eating machine! Thirty seconds pass, and he has all but one foot left to go! He glances up at the clock*

Ralph: ...e________e!!!!!!!!!

*SHOVES THE REMAINING FOOT IN HIS MOUTH TO A HUGE OVATION FROM THE CROWD! He swallows RIGHT AT 36.9*

!!DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING!!

Bob: THIS IS BULLSHITSADFKA;SDLFJ NO!! NO!!

Arzie: THE WINNER OF THE MOST ONE SIDED FIST FIGHTS TOURNAMENT, AND NUMBER ONE CONTENDER TO THE UCTF GRAND CHAMPIONSHIP... RALPH GERRARD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ralph: YES!!!!!!!!! YES!!!!!

Winner: RALPH (36.9!)

Bob: NO, THIS IS BULLSHIT! >=|
Ralph: AND THIS IS THE END OF THE SHOW! FOR BOB HINDEN, THIS IS THE NUMBER ONE CONTENDER TO THE GRAND TITLE SAYING GOODNIGHT!
Bob: SKFDA;LDKSNONONONO! NO THIS I----

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